Art For Coping With Grief Through Chronic Illness

When you ignore grief, it doesn’t go away. Your body and your subconscious hold onto it. It piles onto itself - until, eventually, it can’t be contained anymore.

Experiencing the Stages of Grief

I’ve spent the past year grieving. Grief for loved ones lost, the places I’ve called home, dreams put on indefinite hold, and the health I worked so hard for.

I watched myself go through each stage of grief:

1. Denial - Ignoring my illness and “pushing through it”, which in turn made my symptoms much worse. Burying my feelings surrounding change and loss, which instead amplified under the surface and came back full-force later on.

2. Anger - Yelling at doctors, family, and friends because of things outside of my control. I went through a long period of hating myself and hating the world for what has happened to me.

3. Bargaining - Praying to a God I don’t believe in, wishing for change, and wondering where I went wrong. Instead of placing blame on others, I began to place blame on myself. I went through thousands of “what ifs” and “should haves”, refusing to accept that this was my future.

4. Depression - Completely refusing to leave my bed even on the days I was able to and neglecting to care for myself. I developed an outlook of “why bother” and “there is no point in trying” because my illness was wreaking havoc on my body and I didn’t know how to escape it this time.

5. Acceptance - Understanding that my illness means change. Changing my expectations of myself and others; changing the way I go about my daily activities. I slowly realized that although my illness was difficult and painful to deal with, it didn’t mean I had to suffer. I began to understand that I could still live a full life with chronic illness, despite needing certain adjustments and accommodations.

During the stages of grief I changed, and my art changed, too.

How Grief Changed My Art

I chose to put clients and commission requests on a temporary hold until further notice. I was so worn down from simply existing every day that I could not bring myself to work, no matter how hard I tried to “push through it”. Even on the days I wasn’t feeling depressed in the slightest, my body demanded to rest. While I am now able to do some work from bed and manage my symptoms around activities, I have strict limitations that affect my ability to work in the same manner I was before. Forever a workaholic (from many generations of workaholics), I decided to “break the cycle” and prioritize my health above all else. This decision was one I initially resisted, and even still have a hard time managing. It is something I have to remind myself of each day, in order to avoid feeling worse tomorrow. 

During this self-care centered hiatus, I’ve focused my work on creating art for emotional release. Instead of making art for clients, I am now making more art for myself. Furthermore, I am making art that is authentic and coming from a place of introspection and care. Whereas before this, I was focused on creating art that “looked cool”.

Revisiting Art for Healing

 I went back to my instinctual source of comfort - traditional art and collage. These have carried me through some of the worst times in my life, so it was only natural that I turn back to it when things get hard again. Painting, drawing, and collage - when done on a physical piece of paper rather than a device - gives me a satisfaction and connection with myself that I didn’t even realize I was lacking the past few years.

The process of creating tangible art can help with repressed emotion. Creating allows your body to actively process visceral feelings and release emotional energy in a physical way. It strengthens the mind-body connection - tearing paper, throwing paint, scribbling with crayons - emotional energy converted into physical expression.

Similar to dancing when you’re happy, punching something when you’re angry, or crying when you’re sad - making art is a way to process emotional energy in your body.

Through these efforts of prioritizing rest, self-care, and emotional expression via accessible means of physical release, I hope to heal my body and mind as one. While I may never feel completely physically healthy again, pursuing my passion for art in a self-exploratory way has allowed me to feel more positive emotion than I anticipated given my circumstances.

Reclaiming Control Over Grief

Instead of wallowing in my pain and feeling like a victim of my situation, art has allowed me to gain back some control of my mind and body. While my art may not look as polished as it has in the past, it has given me back to myself. Though my hands may create shaken lines, each brushstroke is a thousand times more powerful to me than it was when I was healthy.

The grief I once felt over my past self and distant future is now less daunting. Although those same feelings of anger, depression, and denial come and go, I feel more equipped to handle them. I recognize that the stages of grief are not on a timeline, and feeling this way is natural for anyone dealing with sudden and major life changes.

I am not the same person I was a year ago before my illness. I am not the same artist I was. Because grief is a very difficult thing. It changes you. 

Let it.